AWESOME JOKE FROM THE EMAIL BAG~

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet
rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender
who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she
seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers. When he does, she begins to gently
caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she
asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, No," the man replies. "Can you get him for
me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair. Can't,"
breathes the bartender. "He's not here. Is there
anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give
him a message," she continues, running her forefinger
across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple
of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender
manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no
toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the
ladies room."

Women and thier wiley ways!

Here's, yet another, example of that:

One day, while a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river,
her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared
and asked, "Why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water, and she needed the thimble to make her living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a wooden thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with a silver thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some time later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river. When she cried out, The Lord again appeared and asked her, Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the water!" The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress
replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor woman and am not able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it

~Another one from the email bag

A Hearwarming Story I stumbled across. . . .


The Legend of Buck Bunny
(As told by John Burridge, complete with spastic gestures, bugged out eyes, and evil giggles.)

Once upon a time, 1988 to be exact, there was a college, Reed College in fact. And at this college there were some students who lived in a house called The Motel 6. Near by there was a Safeway, and in this Safeway, around Easter Time, there were boxes and boxes and boxes of chocolate Easter Bunnies.

One day, I was walking in the Safeway, and one of the bunnies caught my eye. It was Buck Bunny, and on the outside of Buck's box was a story. The story was bad; the story was tacky; the story was a collection of bad puns; and finally, the story was an artless rip off of Star Wars, Buck Rodgers, and World War II anti-German propaganda. "Oh my God," I said to myself, "This chocolate space bunny is so tacky, there's only one possible response: Into the microwave with you, Buck!"

And so I popped Buck Bunny into my shopping cart and scampered off to the Motel 6 with him and the rest of my groceries (Pop Tarts, Cheerioes, and 2% Milk, for those of you who have forgotten). We placed Buck into his own special little nitch in the cabinet (above the Microwave), and for two weeks we would remind Buck of his impending Doom on Easter Morning.

Easter Morning dawned. At the crack of noon we got up and stumbled about. We unwrapped Buck from his box, placed him in a bowl, and put him into the Microwave. Now, this was a in the late '80's before Microwaves were made fancy with internal turn tables and safety meshes across the glass doors. So you could see right into the window (and probably get a tan, too) while your food was beamed with microwaves.

We closed the door, dialed a time setting, and gathered around the window. Buck Bunny stood bravely. The microwave bell dinged. "This is sick," someone said, and continued "Do it some more." We gave him ten more seconds.

Nothing happened.

We twisted the timer as far as we could. The microwave fan blew and the megatron tube hummed and Buck Bunny stood there not melting. "Huh," I said, "I don't think anything is going to happen." About this time a sheen of moisture appeared on Buck's brown brow. "Oh, wait," someone said, "Something's happening."

Suddenly, with a quick thwuck Buck Bunny's little candy eyes fell backwards into his head and there were these little blank eye sockets staring out at us! And WE ALL WENT: "EEEEEEUWWW!!!!!!"

And then with a glorp Buck Bunny collapsed in on himself into a chocolate puddle.

We pulled him out of the Microwave, and there were his little candy eyes looking up at us.

We had a fruit fondue with bananas, oranges, and apples. For the rest of the afternoon we were spastic from the chocolate.

The End
(Or IS IT?)

~Sounds like my kind of party

Questions that really need answers...

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? they're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13 Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

~Out of the email bag,
Thanks Flipper!

WOW!
~Seems some of my childhood heroes were hereos in more ways than one!

Surprising information

Captain Kangaroo turned 76 recently, which is odd, because he's never looked a day under 76. (DOB:6/27/27) It reminded me of the following story.
Some people have been a bit offended that the actor, Lee Marvin, is buried in a grave alongside 3 and 4 star generals at Arlington National Cemetery. His marker gives his name, rank (PVT) and service (USMC). Nothing else. Here's a guy who was only a famous movie star who served his time, why the heck does he rate burial with these guys? Well, following is the amazing answer: I always liked Lee Marvin, but did not know the extent of his Corps experiences.
In a time when many Hollywood stars served their country in the armed forces often in rear-echelon posts where they were carefully protected, only to be trotted out to perform for the cameras in war bond promotions, Lee Marvin was a genuine hero. He won the Navy Cross at Iwo Jima. There is only one higher Naval award... the Medal Of Honor. If that is a surprising comment on the true character of the man, he credits his sergeant with an even greater show of bravery. Dialog from The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson:
His guest was Lee Marvin. Johnny said: "Lee, I'll bet a lot of people are unaware that you were a Marine in the initial landing at Iwo Jima... and that during the course of that action you earned the Navy Cross and were severely wounded."
"Yeah, yeah... I got shot square in the ass and they gave me the Cross for securing a hot spot about halfway up Suribachi...bad thing about getting shot up on a mountain is guys getting' shot hauling you down. But, Johnny, at Iwo I served under the bravest man I ever knew...
We both got the cross the same day, but what he did for his Cross made mine look cheap in comparison. The dumb bastard actually stood up on Red beach and directed his troops to move forward and get the hell off the beach. Bullets flying by and mortar rounds landing every where and he stood there as the main target of gun fire so that he could get his men to safety. He did this on more than one occasion because his men's safety was more important than his own life. That Sergeant and I have been lifelong friends. When they brought me off Suribachi we passed the Sergeant and he lit a smoke and passed it to me, lying on my belly on the litter and said, where'd they get you Lee?'
"Well Bob... if you make it home before me, tell Mom to sell the outhouse!"
Johnny, I'm not lying...Sergeant Keeshan was the bravest man I ever knew.....
The Sergeant's name is Bob Keeshan... You and the world know him as "Captain Kangaroo."

On another note, there was this wimpy little man (who just passed away) on PBS, gentle and quiet. Mr. Rogers is another of those you would least suspect of being anything but what he now portrays to our youth. But Mr. Rogers was a U.S. Navy Seal, combat proven in Vietnam with over twenty-five confirmed kills to his name. He wore a long sleeve sweater on his show to cover the many tattoos on his forearm and biceps. A master in small arms and hand-to-hand combat, able to disarm or kill in a heartbeat. After the war Mr. Rogers became an ordained Presbyterian minister and therefore a pacifist. Vowing to never harm another human and also dedicating the rest of his life to trying to help lead children on the right path in life. He hid the tattoos and his past life away and won our hearts with his quiet wit and charm. America's real heroes don't flaunt what they did, they quietly go about their day to day lives, doing what they do best. They earned our respect and the freedoms that we all enjoy.
Look around and see if you can find one of those heroes in your midst. Often, they are the ones you'd least suspect, but would most like to have on your side if anything ever happened. Take the time to thank anyone that has fought for our freedom. With encouragement they could be the next Captain Kangaroo or Mr. Rogers.

~from the email bag,
Thanks Ryan!~

A few Random Thoughts for your consideration~

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

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2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


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4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

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5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

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6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

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7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

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8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

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10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

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11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

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12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

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14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

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16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ..they're cramming for their final exam.

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17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

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18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

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19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

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20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

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21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

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22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

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23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

~Thanks, Merc

from the email bag~

Thanks for sharing this one with us, Harold!

Retired Green Beret takes on John Kerry

Open Letter to John Kerry:

My wife had rotator cuff surgery earlier this year, and the recovery is terribly painful. Then, she developed a staph-epi infection, and they had to cut the same scar open and operate on her again. Just thinking about the pain and anxiety of facing that painful surgery a second time in the same wound, makes me cringe. That experience, however pales in comparison to what I am going through right now, in my heart.

The old hurts are surfacing and the feelings of betrayal by fellow citizens, and their leader stirring them up, are breaking my heart again. I am being cut in the same scar. How did we who served in Vietnam suddenly become cold-blooded killers, torturers, and rapists, of the ilk of the Nazi SS or the Taliban? Most of us were American soldiers who grew up idolizing John Wayne, Roy Rogers, and all the other heroes. That was why I volunteered.. But for political expediency, John Kerry has rewritten history, again. After spending only four months in the country of Vietnam, John Kerry testified before Congress in 1971 with these exact words about incidents he supposedly witnessed or heard about from other vets: "They personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam."

I was a green beret officer who volunteered for duty in Vietnam and fought in the thick of it in 1968 and 1969 on a Special Forces A-team on the Ho Chi Minh Trail, just for starters. We were the elite. We saw the most action. Everybody in the world knows that. But we did not just kill people, we built a church, a school, treated illnesses, passed out soap, food, and clothing, and had fun and loving interaction with the indigenous people of Vietnam, just like our boys did in Normandy, Baghdad, Saigon, and everywhere American soldiers ever served. We all gave away our candy bars and rations to kids. Our hearts to oppressed people all over the globe. > >My children and grandchildren could read your words, and think those horrendous things about me, Mr. Kerry. You are a bold-faced, unprincipled liar, and a disgrace, and you have dishonored me and all my fellow Vietnam veterans. Sure, there were a couple bad-apples, but I saw none, and I saw it all, and if I did, as an army officer, it was my obligation to stop it, or at the very least report it. Why is there not a single record anywhere of you ever reporting any incidents like this or having the perpetrators arrested? The answer is simple. You are a liar. Your medals and mine are not a free pass for lifetime, Senator Kerry, to bypass character, integrity, and morality. I earn my green beret over and over daily in all aspects of my life.

Eight National Guard green berets, and other National Guard soldiers, have been killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, and you totally dishonored their widows and families by lumping National Guard service in with being a draft-dodger, conscientious objector, and deserter, just so you can try to sabotage the patriotism of our President who proudly served as an Air National Guard jet pilot. I have a son earning his green beret at Fort Bragg right now, and his wife serves honorably in the Air National Guard, just like President Bush did, and I am as proud of her as I am my son. I volunteered for Vietnam and have no problem whatsoever with President Bush being our Commander-In-Chief. In fact, I am proud of him as our leader.

John Kerry, you personally derailed the Vietnam Human rights Bill, HR2883, in 2001, after it had passed the House by a 411 to 1 vote, and thousands of pro-American Montagnard tribespeople in Vietnam died since then who could have been saved, by you. Earlier, as Chair of the Senate Select Committee on MIA/POW Affairs, you personally quashed the efforts of any and all veterans to report sightings of living POW's, when you held those reins in Congress. You have fought tooth and nail to push for the US to normalize relations with Vietnam for years. Why, Mr. Kerry?

Simple, your first cousin C. Stewart Forbes, CEO, of Colliers International, recently signed a contract with Hanoi, worth BILLIONS of dollars for Collier's International to become the exclusive real estate representative for the country of Vietnam.

"Hanoi John," now that it works for you, you beat your chest about your Vietnam service, but to me, you are a phony, opportunistic, hypocrite. You are one of those politicians that is like a fertilizer machine: all that comes out of you is horse manure, and you are spreading it everywhere.

Medals do not make a man. Morals do.

Don Bendell
Canon City, Colorado


Don Bendell served as an officer in four Special Forces Groups, is a best-selling author with over 1,500,000 books in print, a 1995 inductee into the International Karate Hall of Fame, and owns karate schools in southern Colorado.

~from the email bag

THOUGHTS OF THE DAY
{thanks, Flipper!}

13. Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway...

12. Life is sexually transmitted...

11. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich...

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks...

8. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs...

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing...

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again...

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism...

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents???

3. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal...

2.Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first...

AND THE #1 THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: You read about all these Terrorists most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. I think we should put Blockbuster in charge of Immigration & Homeland Security...

~from the email bag

ALERT!Subject: New Arkansas quarter

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Hang on to any of the new State of Arkansas quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Arkansas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.

We are recalling all the new Arkansas quarters that were recently
issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices".

The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.

"The problem lies in the unique design of the Arkansas quarter, which was created by a University of Arkansas graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."

~from the email bag

How to be a liberal - a guide for the rest of us...

Virtually anyone can become a liberal. Simply quit thinking and vote that way. Here are the prerequisites:

1. You must believe the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.
2. You must believe the same teacher who cannot teach 4th graders to read is somehow qualified to teach them about sex.
3. You must believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding Americans are more of a threat than nuclear weapons in the hands of Chinese Communists.
4. You must believe there was no art before Federal funding.
5. You must believe global temperatures are less affected by cyclical, documented changes in the earth's climate, and more affected by SUVs.
6. You must believe gender roles are artificial, but homosexuality is natural.
7. You must be against capital punishment, but in favor of abortion on demand.
8. You must believe business creates oppression and the government creates prosperity.
9. You must believe self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.
10. You must believe the military, not politicians, start wars where military personnel, not politicians, die.
11. You must believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.
12. You must believe taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.
13. You must believe standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides aren't.
14. You must believe Hillary Clinton is a lady.
15. You must believe the only reason socialism hasn't worked anywhere it's been tried is because the right people haven't been in charge.
16. You must believe homosexual parades are Constitutionally protected, but manger displays at Christmas are illegal.

~ from the email bag (Thanks Harold!)

With Valentines Day fast aproaching, I've come across some great advise I want to share with you. Check this out!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
===============================

( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

( 2 ) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

( 1 ) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

( 1 ) Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

( 1 ) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

( 2 ) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10



WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

( 1 ) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

( 1 ) When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

( 2 ) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

( 3 ) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

( 1 ) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out.
-- Theodore, age 8

( 2 ) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

( 1 ) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

( 1 ) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

~from the email bag and out of the mouths of babes!